How to Manage Stress and Build Resilience?

Stress is inevitable part of life. Ignoring how to manage stress will lead to poor performance, lack of confidence, burnout and not achieving our potential. Learning to deal with it well will help us feel better, more confident and resilient over time. Do we need to deal with emotions or can we just ignore them to save time? This article will share the key steps to recognise, deal and improve strategies to manage stress and become more resilient over time.

Resilience

Resilience has been described as many different things and different industries have their own variations on what amounts to resilience. The simplest way of defining resilience is…

The ability to develop well socially, mentally or physically despite exposure to stress factors commonly causing mental problems.

This is important when we are dealing with stress. Dealing with it successfully will add to our resilience however being unsuccessful in this pursuit can give us valuable insights into which areas we need to develop in order to build resilience.

Let’s also recall, that Resilience is linked to the stress we are under and different types of stress can demand different types of resilience. Being resilient to one type of stress (e.g. work related) does not mean that we are resilient to other type of stress (e.g. interpersonal stress). In this article we will consider stress and resilience in general terms however please be mindful that each individual situation will require its own unique way of dealing with it successfully.

Stress

One definition of stress is:

“Experiencing events that are perceived as endangering one’s physical or psychological wellbeing”.

HSE defines stress as:

“The adverse reaction people have to excessive pressures or other types of demand placed on them”.

What are common signs of stress?

Although people respond to stress differently there are common signs that you are stressed. It is useful to think of stress signs in three different categories:

• Emotional response: Feelings that may be signs of stress.
  • Anxiety type responses: excessive worries, agitation, apprehension, irritability.
  • Depressive type responses: feeling sad, lack of enjoyment, lack of motivation.
• Physical response: Physical signs that may indicate stress.
  • Anxiety type responses:dry mouth, increased muscle tension, tachycardia (fast heart rate)
  • Depressive type responses: lack of energy, tiredness, reduced physical activity.
• Cognitive response: Thinking patterns that may accompany stress.
  • Anxiety type responses: I will lose something, I will fail, I will do something wrong, I will lose my job, others will think I am inadequate, others will laugh at me etc.
  • Depressive type responses: Difficulty concentrating, poor memory, thoughts like I am a failure, there is no point trying, it is hopeless etc.

Method to manage stress to build resilience

Recall that we need stress to build resilience. Indeed, stressful situations expose our resilience. Stressful situations are therefore good opportunities to test ourselves and develop resilience for the future. There are a number of steps we need to follow to manage stress and become more resilient over time.

Am I stressed?

First step to manage stress is always to recognise stress. This begins by noticing if we are feeling, thinking and behaving in unusual way for ourselves. If we or other people around us recognise and inform us that we are not acting like our usual self then we need to pause and reflect what has changed and what could be reasons for this. We can use the emotional, physical and cognitive signs of stress to raise suspicion that something may be wrong and indeed we may be under stress.

Let’s remember from the definition of stress that stress is a perception, i.e., how we see our situation. If we see it as stressful then we are stressed, even if other people in similar situation do not feel stressed. Stress response is individualised. Not everyone will feel stress under the same pressure and not everyone will respond in the same way.

Why am I stressed?

Once we have recognised that we may indeed be feeling stressed, we need to try to identify potential causes of this. There may not be a single cause, rather a combination of minor stressors that have accumulated to provoke stressful reaction in us. This evaluation may be difficult to pursue initially but we can do a quick initial assessment and return to it once we feel under better emotional control.

How is stressed affecting me?

Next step in the process is to think of all the ways current stressful situation is affecting us. It may be helpful to categorise these into emotional, physical and cognitive domains as explained earlier. It may be useful to write these down in a notebook as this will start initial analysis and over time, we can add to this analysis as we recognise more symptoms.

As part of this process, it is worth noting how the stress is affecting you, i.e. what consequences it is generating for you. These could be lower productivity, lack of enjoyment, arguing with colleagues or family, missing deadlines etc.

How can I manage stress related emotions?

Major obstacle to manage stress is the feelings we experience. It is easy to get caught up in the feelings aspect of the situation and act based on those feelings rather than acting rationally and solving the stress causing problem.

By ignoring emotions, we sabotage our progress but by acting on emotions, we reach hasty conclusions. Emotions need to be recognised, accepted and dealt with. In stressful situations, we do not chose our emotions therefore we cannot feel guilty about them. By ignoring them, we are just kicking the can down the road but they still need to be dealt with. In order to manage stress, emotions need to be processed.

Recognise emotions we are feeling and accept them without any guilt or shame. This will allow us to deal with these emotions. These may need different strategies and indeed, we all find different ways of managing them. In general, giving voice to our emotions makes them more understandable and manageable. Talking to a trusted person will start the process of digesting and processing emotions.

Next we need to use ways to bring our emotional state in balance. These may include having a break, spending time away from the problem to calm ourselves and creating headspace to think. We also need to use the strategies that calm our feelings when we feel overwhelmed. These could be recreational activities, rest, hobbies, exercise or sport. These will be different for everyone but we can reflect on our past stressful experiences to reveal what helped us emotionally in the past.

A word of warning: Some strategies to manage emotions are helpful, i.e. they successfully calm our emotions and make us feel under control again but other strategies can be unhelpful or even harmful. These could include alcohol use, substance use, binge eating, aggression etc. It goes without saying that although the latter strategies may calm us in the immediate term, they increase our problems rather than decreasing them. It is best to avoid these.

Problem solving

Once we have recognised being stressed, developed initial understanding of the possible causes and calmed our emotions, we can move on to problem solving aspect to manage stress.

We feel stressed for a reason. Our mind has ‘perceived’ that the situation we are in is not ideal and possibly harmful or threatening in some way. We need to analyse the reasons we are feeling stressed and attempt to find solutions to it. Perhaps, it is an impossible situation and cannot be completely resolved. In such a case, it is important to start with the aspects that we can manage rather than giving up completely.

This may help us realise what we cannot deal with the issue alone and therefore we need to identify what resources or help we need to solve it. We can then move on to seek such resources or help.

Shall I ask for help?

Using help is important aspect to manage stress. Asking for help without trying to solve the problem ourselves, shows others that we are not willing to use our effort or we are not capable. We will usually feel guilty about asking for help and will struggle to explain to others why they should give up their time to help us when we are not prepared to use our own time to at least attempt a solution.

It is therefore necessary to at least attempt to solve the problem first and then seek help. We can then seek help by explaining what solutions we have already tried and where we are stuck. This indicates to others that we have already put our effort in and they will be more willing to help. Furthermore, it will make it easier for them to identify what might help. We will also feel more confident in asking for help from different people.

It may be that one person can only helps us slightly but other people can help on a different aspect of the problem. It is important to use whatever solution we can find rather waiting for the perfect one. We can always refine our solutions at a later stage.

Not seeking help will lead to feeling stuck and increase stress.

Prioritise to manage stress

Stress arises when we ‘perceive’ that the task is too much for us to complete. In order to reduce the burden of the task(s), it is important to reconsider what must be done and what can be left out. When feeling stressed, we will struggle to function to our optimal level. Instead of getting the tasks done to perfection or to ideal level, we can identify what can be safely left out.

Breaking tasks into absolute minimum, average quality and ideal can help us focus on completing minimum level first and reduce stress. This will reduce the task burden and help us feel back ‘in control’. Once we complete these ‘necessary’ tasks, we can then consider doing the additional tasks if time and resources allow.

Same strategy can be used to deal with problems in life. We can prioritise what family or life task must be done first and what can be delayed. This will reduce time pressure and help us feel in control. We can further reduce pressure by splitting the task into absolute minimum, average quality and ideal quality. Depending on time and energy we can focus on what is achievable.

Break task pressure by separating tasks into:

• Absolutely minimum quality
• Average quality
• Ideal quality

Reduce time pressure by separating tasks into:

• What must be done first
• What can be delayed and when
• What can be left out if time or resources are not available.

Personal limits of managing stress

When separating tasks into what is achievable and what isn’t, it is critical that we consider our personal limits. Judging our limit to be too low will result in not doing tasks well enough and not pushing ourselves to produce quality we are capable of. Having unrealistic expectations of ourselves will lead to incomplete tasks and disappointment.

Past is a good indicator of our personal limits. It is important to reflect on our past struggles and accomplishments to develop a sense of where our limits are. It is also worth noting that without challenging ourselves regularly, we will have no idea what we are capable of. If in doubt, start with absolutely minimum quality and once that has been achieved, improve it to higher standard.

Another factor worth considering is that our personal limits depend on two key factors: time available and resources available. Just because we cannot complete all the tasks in the present, doesn’t mean that we are not capable of doing them. If we are given more time or help and resources, we can accomplish many more tasks and to higher standard. We should therefore not feel guilty or inadequate about only achieving minimum quality tasks if we are under high level of stress.

Delegation

One way of increasing our capacity to achieve tasks is to delegate some aspects of the task to another person we know is capable and willing to help. Whilst they set about completing that even smaller task, we can use that time to make progress on another part of the task.

It is a huge limiting factor to not trust anyone and try to do all the tasks ourselves. It not only leads to unnecessary stress and eventually burnout, but also makes others feel devalued as they realise that you don’t trust them even with smaller or simpler tasks.

Consider daily house tasks. Younger children can help set up the dining table whilst you cook meal. It isn’t too difficult a task for you to do but will over time help your children feel valued and they will become better at it. You will also benefit as there will be one less task for you to do.

If you ask a colleague or friend to help you with a task, it will not only reduce your stress but will also make them feel that they are valued and trusted. In the future, you can help them with their task and this process can also help strengthen your relationship and trust.

Advice to a friend

What advice will you give your best friend if he/she was in the same stressful situation?

This question is worth thinking about. We are usually able to empathise with others, especially our family, friends or colleagues but when it comes to dealing with our own self, we forget being empathic or compassionate.

Most of us would never say to a stressed colleague to ‘just get on with it’, ‘ you are rubbish’, ‘you are a failure’ but many people do not hesitate to say these negative comments to themselves. It makes no sense. We need to treat ourselves with compassion and give positive advice, as if we are giving it to our best friend or a loved one.

When under stress, it is not uncommon to get swept up with negative emotions and be unhelpful to our own selves, thus sabotaging our achievements. Treating ourselves like we would a loved one or a dear friend is a useful strategy to check our negative self-talk and be helpful to ourselves.

Having positive view of self is a key feature of successful people and is the anchor we need to achieve in life.

Be kind to yourself

Under stressful situations, it is tempting to focus on the negatives without realising. This makes us doubt ourselves, worsen our emotions and leads to inevitable failure to achieve our tasks. Instead, remember that regardless of the outcome, we must remain kind to ourselves. If we fail to complete the task, then we can reflect on it afterwards and learn from it. This failure can help us develop better skills and become more resilient in the future.

Failure is important part of becoming resilient. We need to remain kind to ourselves and not sabotage our future resilience by denigrating ourselves.

Long term stress and professional help

Next step we need to consider in the process to manage stress is additional and professional help. If despite our best efforts and support, we continue to struggle, it is time to seek professional help. Failure to do so increases the risk of future psychiatric disorders. We need to focus on the long-term resilience and by ignoring our current problems, we risk our mental health and future accomplishments.

There are many options to consider when professional help is needed. Many organisations have occupational health departments or at least access to such service. They can help evaluate work related stress and make recommendations to our employers on what changes are needed. I have personally found their help invaluable as they advised my team manager to order specific lumber supporting desk chair and computer screen to help me with back and neck pain as well as eye strain.

Counselling is another key professional support that is usually widely available either through work, primary care or specialist and private sector. Counsellors do not give us advice on what to do but rather help us deal with our own difficulties by providing a confidential listening and counselling service.

Sometimes, these services are not enough and we may need specific mental health interventions, professional assessment and support. It is important not to delay seeking these as there may be a waiting list depending on your local provision. Any delay is seeking their help means that you will continue to suffer in the interim and may worsen your problems requiring more intense input with longer recovery time.

Becoming resilient for the future

Remember that stress is based on our perception. It therefore varies from person to person. We will also likely perceive the same situation differently in the future. If you manage stress well in the current situation, you will likely feel less stressed in the future. This is one way of building resilience through successfully managing stress and difficult situations over time.

1.Self awareness – we need to become more self-aware to recognise problems with our emotions, thoughts and behaviour early on so that we can act on them. Keep a journal of difficult and unwanted emotions, thoughts and performance. Use others’ help to recognise early signs of stress, for example, asking your colleagues or family if they have noticed that you are acting differently.

2.Feelings – feelings cannot be buried. Learn to recognise and label them. Keep a log of them in the diary to discover the patterns of emotion to develop insight into what helps and what makes them worse.

3.Problem-solving – Learn how to reduce tasks, prioritise or delegate well.

4.Beware of unhelpful coping strategies. Treat yourself well. Use these as red flags and get help.

5.Use the past experience to learn from your mistakes and achievements.

6.Future – When a stressful situation is over, reflect and write down the following so that this can be used to deal with stress better in the future.

• Early warning signs
• Effect of stress, on feelings, thoughts and behaviour
• What helped?
• What did not help?
• What problem-solving strategies did you use?
• What would you do a different in the future?

Always be kind to yourself and treat yourself like you would a loved one during times of stress.

It is easy to become negative about yourself therefore be aware and avoid this trap.

Just tell me quickly how to manage stress?